Dear Old and Valued Customer,
We regret to inform you that your circuitry is fast becoming obsolete, in spite of our ongoing reburbishment programme. Frankly, we’re not sure how much longer we can keep you on the grid. Some of you may even need to be taken off the supply. Possibly permanently. This may not come as a surprise to you.
We will endeavour to provide adequate notification of any shutdown before the event. However, blackouts can be difficult to predict. Warning signs may include an inability to operate the oven and the TV remote control. Or losing the Facebook app on your ipad. It may be also be harder to read the numbers on your phone due to an apparent dimming of the lights.
There will obviously be some disruption during this period of disconnection. We will need to organise an alternative supply depending on your location. Unfortunately, many of you are located in idyllic but remote country areas, or in the oldest and most expensive parts of declining market towns.
Therefore, you may prefer to relocate rather than waiting for us to get to you in a timely fashion. Fortunately, any such relocation will only be temporary and we can normally arrange this for you. (Those of you in Spain will have to make your own arrangements).
If you, or someone you thought was close to you, decide you should proceed with this option, make sure you leave a family member or dependent living in your home. Otherwise you will be obliged to sell it to pay for your temporary accommodation. That could be inconvenient and costly, given the unpredictable length of your stay.
(Please note, those of you living in London are exempt from this advice. You should sell your home as soon as possible and upgrade your temporary accommodation. Your children won’t thank you but it’s time to put yourself first.)
Unfortunately, pets will not be allowed in your temporary accommodation so arrangements will need to be made for them also. This is regretted, given pet ownership will have enabled your lights to stay on longer than might otherwise be the case. But be reassured, they will not miss you for long.
So, where do you stand on voluntary euthanasia? Or would you rather have a nice lie down?
Yours now and evermore,
God
Border Lines 