White Teeth

Bleachorexia anyone? 

Are you someone who wishes the tooth fairy had left a whitening kit under your pillow instead of 50p?

Well here’s the bad news. The US Dental Association have admitted that they cannot make the teeth of Americans any whiter. As if they needed to be whiter. They’re already a leading cause of light pollution. Visible from space probably. Making the molars of the average Brit look fifty shades of grey.

But apparently, that’s not good enough for our Atlantic cousins. They want uber white. Retinal damage white. Lucky for all those dentists and makers of chemical killer toothpastes. This obsession is never going to go away. They will laser, bleach, gel, peroxide and Pearly Drop their pearly whites until the enamel dissolves and they can see the back of their throats through them.

There are deep psychological reasons for this. So deep, even a root canal can’t reach them. Neurologists have spent time and research money proving this in preference to a cure for brain cancer. Because teeth whitening companies have paid them to.

In one before and after study entitled “The Impact of Whiter Teeth on Key First Impressions” funded by Crest Whitestrips, they discovered, through simulated job interviews, that we are more likely to get hired and with a larger salary after tooth whitening than before. Presumably, the applicants weren’t trying to get a job as an ‘after’ teeth whitening model in the ‘before’ interview. And presumably the interviewers were brain dead enough to be conducting interviews without knowing they were simulated.

But there’s more. A few degrees of lighter shades of pale also made them more successful financially, more trustworthy, more professional, younger, better educated, more marriageable,  and frankly, with better personal hygiene. In short, you can’t afford not to whiten and still consider yourself worthy enough to live.

So that was the good news.

Here is the better news. I have conducted a scientific survey of one based on some anecdotal evidence given to me by the man who was fixing my computer while he was waiting for my download to upload.

He said: “You can make your own whitening toothpaste with 2tbsp of bicarbonate of soda mixed with 2tblsp of coconut oil and a few drops of peppermint essence.” 

I tried it. It works.